Monthly Articles

How to be told by your children that you are so not cool in 12 easy steps.

by Dr. Trey Kuhne

Having 18+ years of hands on real world experience being a child, I live in the awareness of the challenges my own parents experienced in raising me and my sister. With my own experience in hand and with a number of requests from young families in the community, I offer some suggestions for parenting today's child in today's world. I have gleaned this information from various practical and clinical resources. One is a valuable resource called Parent Talk, a quarterly publication produced by Health Resource Center in partnership with Spartanburg Regional Hospital System here in town. The other resource is the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I am a clinical member in practice.

In this article, I would like to offer 12 practical and clinically effective suggestions for parents and family members in raising, nurturing, and caring for your children. All of these suggestions agree with the Structural Family Therapy model that I teach and propose in my work in helping parents and families. So, without further ado, let's get started:

1. Accept your role of parent as YOUR responsibility. You are the only parent(s) that your children have, though others can make it seem as if they could do a better job. Those "others" can't do a better job because they are not you. God entrusted your children to no one else. Please accept this important role as your responsibility. Though society may expect school, church, clubs, and sports to parent your children, only you can really do it.

2. Make parenting a priority. Whether a surprise gift from God or a planned decision, make your parenting a priority. Stick to consistent and effective parenting even when it is inconvenient and difficult. Seek help when it is needed. God did not intend for you to go about parenting alone. Extended family, the Body of Christ, and wise counsel are available to aid you and support you but you have to ask.

3. Educate yourself about the problems facing today's children - those problems are

different from the problems you faced. There are similarities to your era but be aware of the differences. There are pressures that come to your children from many different sources compared to those that came in your time. From media sources to peer relationships, your children are constantly being bombarded with information demanding them to respond in various ways. Learn what they are experiencing as best you can. Learn first, then judge. Remember that knowledge is power!

4. Give clear messages about your expectations - Be specific about how you expect your children to behave. Parental inconsistency is the root of all evil! Parental inconsistency is the primary reason for family difficulties in children. Parents threaten and do not follow through. If you are not consistent in your parenting, it is difficult for your children to be consistent in their following. Define what you mean by "You must clean up your room!" Set measurable expectations that are not vague but clear for your children. Clarity helps your children know the boundaries of how far they can wander on their own. Clarity also help you as parents know where the boundaries are in the family.

5. Be aware that many in the community put children's buying power above children's well-being. Don't expect the community to reinforce (your) family values. Though you may have Christian friends with similar values, the community-at-large is not in agreement with how you may raise your children. From cell phones, to clothes, to gadgets, your children will always want for what the community tells them they should want for. As the parents, you both can set limits and direct your child's understanding of money, tithing, giving, management, and monetary power.

6. Clearly state consequences of failure to follow family rules. Consequences are not

negotiable. Failure to be crystal clear with your children leads them to begin ASSUMING what you mean. Though the wages of sin is death and the consequences of family disobedience is NOT death, make your children aware of what the consequences are to their disobedience to the family rules. Do not feel sorry for your children or give in when you are compared to other parents that are "way less strict." The grass is not always greener on the other side. Those "less strict" parents may be struggling too.

7. Enforce stated consequences when family rules are broken. Children who don't follow family rules today may break society's laws tomorrow. Many of the post baby-boomer generation wanted to make sure they fixed everything in their children that their parents did wrong in them (Please read this line again!). Yet I bet that most of the parents reading this remember well the corrections their parents made in their behavior. How else does a child learn unless consequences are enforced? Be willing to be the Bad Guy/Gal. Seek support from other parents when you feel you are being attacked/punished by your children for requiring your children to honor/follow the family rules. Also remember that your local family therapist/pastoral counselor (me!) loves to help with these issues as well.

8. Don't assume that the parents of all your children's friends have the same family rules you do. Some have different rules, some have none. This is why one important part of your job as parent is to screen your children's friends and their families. Just because little Mary likes a friend at school doesn't mean that the friend can come over and disrespect you and your parental authority. I encourage parents to directly speak with the parents of the friends that your child chooses to hang with. There may come a time when you will need to confer with the other parents for some reason. Also, keeping good communication with the other parents may allow you to encourage them in your rules.

Well that's all for now. See you next month with the last 4 steps to help the family run more smoothly and to enjoy the peace of structure!

9. Believe that children want rules to guide them. Allow children to paint you as the "bad guy." Rule number 1 in parenting is to be consistent in love, nurture, and discipline. Rule number 2 is not to set out to create your child into your best friend. Your child's job is to learn, grow, have fun, and follow the rules and (hopefully) mature. Your job is to foster a healthy family environment for love to nurture one another. Your job is to maintain a loving and healthy relationship with your spouse that helps maintain that healthy family environment for love to nurture one another. In order to have all this "healthiness" you have to have a game plan, some sort of guiding map to help navigate your way. Your parents may have taught you their "way" to a working family. Regardless of what "way" you will lead your family, it is vital to have some guiding rules, principles, and values from the beginning until they leave they home. So, for them to make it to age 18 I suggest that you adopt the position that your children want and need rules to guide them.

10 Remember that teenagers need parental supervision as much as toddlers do. It's just a different kind. The theme here is that teenagers need direction, guidance, structure and supervision to understand how to be an adult. Toddlers have to have supervision in order to protect them from harming themselves unknowingly, to help feed them and nurture them to healthiness, and to aid them in understanding life as they grow. Same is true for older children. In reality, even adults need supervision at times! Be careful not to skirt your supervisory role in your child or teenagers life!

11. If necessary, love your children enough to let them hate you - for a while. When you child tells you in frustration that they "hate" you it actually can be a healthy coping mechanism for their frustrations because in doing so they are expressing deepened emotions. Also, as a parent, you know that those emotions change ever so quickly and the next moment your "parent hater" child is asking for money to go to the movies!

12. Know that children are never too big for a hug - even when they are grown. I strongly encourage spouses to show PDA around their children often. Of course, be sensitive to your child's age and experience level but please do let them see you showing love and affection to one another. Hug your children and help them understand what important role affection plays in relationships. Hug them when they are young and hug them when they are old. Isn't it a meaningful experience when your parents hug you now?

What great wisdom Scripture offers us with practical words for our children!

Proverbs 4

1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.

2 I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.

3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,

4 he taught me and said,
"Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live.

5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.

6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.

7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.

9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor."

10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
and the years of your life will be many.

11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths.

12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.

13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
guard it well, for it is your life.

Amen!

Barriers to Joy Series

Part I

During this new series called Barriers to Joy, I will be addressing various topics of interest that interfere with the active, intentional experience in, of, and by joy in our life, be that spiritual, mental, or physical joy.

The first barrier that I want to share is the lack of recreation in one's life. Some many interpret recreation to be fun activities and vacations, but the term recreation literally is "re- creation" or to create again. Without recreation in our lives, we dry up. When we fail to recognize the need to be re-created and energized in our mind, body, and spirit, we reject the renewal of the Lord in our lives. Look at creation and the seasons of the year for us in South Carolina. We experience the spring blossoming, the heat, the falling leaves and dying of trees and plants, the cold of winter all of which create all the necessary elements to bring forth the blossoming spring once again. Creation is renewed every year. We need physical activity to energize our bodies. We need mental activities to calm the busyness of the mind and we need spiritual exercises that call us to the peace, love, faith, and joy that only God can provide.

Can you hear yourself as you read this article? You are saying, "I sure wish I could take some time off and do some recreation. That would be really nice, but I have to work to feed the kinds, to pay the bills, to keep going. I would love to re-create but..."

I would like to propose that lack of scheduled and managed recreation in one's life is a direct product of lack of joy in one's life. Some are fortunate to have their employment emulate fun and joy, but even those fortunate need to leave their place of work and be re-created.

This first barrier is a challenge to the reader to re-evaluate themselves. Are you recreating in your life? Are you tending to yourself well? Are you being a good steward of your mind, body, and spirit by participating in renewal and recreational opportunities?

Make a new summer's resolution now. Enjoy some time off for yourself. I promise there will be joyful benefits that will come. Eliminate this first barrier from your life and you will be the better for it for the long term!

In His grace and peace,

Dr. Trey

Barrier to Joy Series

Part 2

Last month, I introduced that one key barrier to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically was the lack of recreation ion one's life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit).

This month we will address another key barrier to joy which is anger. Anger is that emotion that we feel when we have been hurt in some way. When physically attacked our bodies naturally go into defense mode and anger can be a part of that to ward off an attack. But the anger that I am referring to here is that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives.

One of the ways that anger gets fed is through repeated experiences of inward rejection, being emotionally used by another person, feeling like a scapegoat, taken advantage of in some way, all which speak to our losing of the ability to have a voice in our circumstance. Depression easily forms when we draw inward to escape from the hurts we experience. No longer feeling as if what we say counts, no longer feeling as if we matter, anger forms within the mind as a defense mechanism to ward off the impending hurt.

Anger can be so powerful inwardly that it can interfere with the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control all can be affected because of seething anger that eats away at our sense of self and well-being.

One of the key remedies to anger is love and forgiveness. Reflecting on the Father's love for us in Jesus Christ can minister to the deep hurt inside. Speaking to a counselor or minister about the deep hurts inside can help sort out the various feelings and help find the remedy of forgiveness for self and others.

If you find yourself eaten inside by unresolved feelings of anger perhaps reflecting on the Father's love and the forgiveness we can experience from the Father and the Son can help heal and transform our anger to love and forgiveness. Let God help bring you back into the experience of His joy and the joy of life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

Barrier to Joy Series

Part 3

To date, I have introduced two key barriers to the experience of joy in our lives spiritually, physically, and psychologically. One was the lack of recreation in one's life. I spoke of how recreation is actually re-creation and we are refreshed, encouraged, and built up in times of recreation in all three areas of the self (body, mind, and spirit). The other barrier is anger, that inward emotion that slowly eats away at the heart and the mind after a hurt has been experienced and which robs us of the experience of joy in our lives.

A third barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is when we feel as if our identity in Christ has been lost or is no longer secure, when we forget whose we are. If you read in Job, you will read about Job's wife who encourages him to "curse God and die." That is indeed the message of the world. When we do not get our way and cannot figure a way out, ditch it all and give up and die. If Job's wife had been in relationship with God like Job was, she would have known that was not true. Job does get angry with God but he does not die, he lives. God is not about death but about life, not about killing us but about raising us to new life in Him.

There are times in our marriages and personal relationships where we may feel distant or no longer appreciated and cared for. We may lose our sense of security and faith in those we love. It is tests, like these, of the relationship to stand up for your needs and communicate those to your spouse or friend. Without communication and leaps of faith to trust the relationship (and its security), we move into fear, distance, depression, loneliness, depravity and get lost. God wants us to be found. That is why He so quickly is ready to leave the 99 sheep and go in search for the one lost to bring him/her back to the flock.

God's love for you can build up a security that you can have, not in your own feelings or emotions, but in the facts of the works of Jesus Christ for your personal salvation. You can once again experience Joy in your life with that assurance and security that nothing in this world, the past, the present, or the future world can change that security. Spouses can know that same security within the covenant of their marriage, friends can also share a similar security as they stay connected and invested into one another.

Friends, you can know that know that you know and rest in the peace of that knowledge and faith with God and with one another. And you can know the experience of joy spiritually, physically, and psychologically in your life today.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey Kuhne

Barrier to Joy Series

Part 4

A fourth barrier to the experience of joy in our lives is loneliness or the mentally intrusive thoughts that one is not needed or loved. Most everyone has experienced the feelings of loneliness at different places in their lives, that sense of emptiness that somehow seems so deep nothing could fill it. Whether experienced in the death of family or friends, loss of job, marital divorce, or personal problems, loneliness enters in to take control over the mind and heart. With loneliness come its partners in crime: depression, fear, anger, resentment, frustration, the "I am the victim" syndrome, as well as a host of other problems.

The main problem with this 4^th barrier is that, in spiritual and psychological reality, it is an untruth. We are neither alone nor not loved. There are numerous scriptures that each speak to God's continual Presence in our lives and His oversight and leading. Though we may experience times in our lives where God doesn't seem to intervene enough to protect us or keep us from our own consequences, all of scripture support God's Promises of continual relationship with us as believers in Christ. Even for those who have no living family members, God has placed caring and loving people in your path. We each have persons involved in our lives who reach out to us in love and care.

The sense or feeling of loneliness can be overpowering and even debilitating to the Christian believer. It is here that the fellowship of believers can be its most valuable. The assembled congregation is not just for weekly worship. The assembled congregation is for relationship with God and with one another. That was the model of the early home churches and that similar concept is seen in the ministry of small groups today. There are organized small groups in our church where these relationships can be formed.

It is sometimes difficult to find those who are lonely and connect with them. They hide really well because they are us. But they are indeed in our midst, persons of great faith and great hope who struggle with those inward feelings that they are no longer needed, wanted, nor loved. Friends, believe the Good News of the Gospel: You are loved, cared for, and you are not alone. God is there and so are His servants, ready to love and be loved.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey Kuhne

Barrier to Joy Series

Part 5(a)

In this article series, I have introduced four key barriers to the experience of spiritual, physical, and emotional joy in our lives. Those four barriers are: Lack of recreation, anger, spiritual insecurity, and feelings of loneliness and/or not being loved. Each one of these is a barrier to joy because each can manifest a form of pathology in our lives: fear, anxiety, depression, frustration, and other health related concerns. Each is a barrier because each attempts to disconnect us from one another and God.

In this part 5(a), I would like to introduce an additional barrier to the experience of joy and that is when there are not clearly defined boundaries in relationships. "The language of personal boundaries mirrors that of property rights. The word boundary is used to define a parcel of land that can be bought, sold, insured, or taxed. Likewise, when we used to describe emotional 'space,' it most commonly defines the self, which has unique rights that others should respect." Abuse counselor Pai Melody, in her book Facing Codependence (Harper, San Francisco, 2003) refers to boundaries as 'symbolic force fields' that allow one to have a sense of self." (Moffit, Yoga Journal, May/June 2005).

I like the idea of symbolic force fields, not to keep everyone out but to define ourselves and have a clear sense of ownership of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Though our souls are not our own in Christ, we have been taught by scripture to be good stewards of ourselves. That stewardship hints to having a healthy balance physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Boundaries can be emotional, physical, and spiritual. Healthy emotional boundaries are found in those who are balanced in their life and can feel in control of what they sense, feel, believe, and express to others. They know how to respect others appropriately and how not to feel unduly threatened in encounters. Weak emotional boundaries are found when we feel that others have access to our "space" without our permission or against our will, however it is perceived by the self. Unfortunately, there is not enough time or space in this article series to go in any depth about this subject. Suffice it to say, there is much more written about this that warrants further study.

Unclear boundaries in relationships can cause deep hurt and suffering when our emotional, physical, and/or spiritual space is not respected appropriately. Boundary issues typically come in two forms: trespassing and enmeshed. Trespassing is easily recognized, but enmeshed is not. Enmeshment is the inappropriate merging of identities. From over-controlling parents of adult children, to your spouse telling you what to think or believe, your stepmother correcting the way you speak to your children - in front of the kids, your best friend tells you whom you should date, or your boss calls you at home to ask you to do the task he has neglected. In each essence, if you cannot maintain your boundary, you acquiesce and are pulled into someone else's drama. Who wants to have to be responsible for some else's drama? Who wants to be in some else's drama? Not me!

In the next artilce, I will further discuss some things that one can do to more clearly define oneself and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. We have been created to be in relationship but it takes intentional work to make it work well.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey Kuhne

Barriers to Joy Series

Part 5(b)

Last article, I introduced the idea that having unclear boundaries in relationships can cause deep hurt and suffering when our emotional, physical, and/or spiritual space is not respected appropriately. The most caring persons can enter into our "space" without our permission and do so much harm even without being fully aware that they are causing this harm. A common issue I hear from counseling is where the parents or in-laws will intrude upon a couple's space in the home. Perhaps it is to help take care of the children; perhaps it is to help clean the home; perhaps it is to assist in some way. Even in loving care, when one's personal, emotional, or spiritual space is entered into without permission/invitation of the other(s) then suffering and hurt can take place. Deep, deep hurt.

This may be a difficult topic to fully understand. This is not to implicate the parents or in-laws out there. This is just the common issue I hear. It could be grandparents, friends, family, even strangers. Boundaries are important because they help to define the who, the what, and the how of ourselves and assist in the ways we relate to others. For the most part, boundaries are transparent and we don't see the markers of others because of what we have established in the relationship.

But what if you have a relationship with another where the boundaries are not clearly defined and you feel that someone is using you, taking control of you in some way, and you are suffering because of it? What can you do? For some, the application of "the rule of time" (time will heal all wounds) is the first choice. I don't think that is a very healthy option to choose.

The very best way to deal with unclear boundaries in relationships is to deal directly with the person(s) you are relating to. Usually the offending person does not mean to hurt and is doing so without full awareness. Taking the time and effort to talk with them usually relieves this fear and helps establish a better and healthier relationship. But what about the parents who come over to the house unexpectantly and then take complete charge of everything? First rule of thumb: reassess where the authority lies. The husband and the wife are the authorities in their own home, not the parents, the parents- in- law or the grand parents.

Same rule applies to all relationships. Reassess where the authority lies. It is from this personal authority within us (being human being, being a child of God, being a person) that we can speak and clearly communicate to others what our needs are in the relationship. If someone is crossing our boundaries without our permission, then we can speak from that authority and tell them what we are experiencing. Bottom line: each of us has the authority to set forth parameters of the relationship.

Healthy relationships exist in good and close communication. Whether husbands, wives, parents, in-laws, or good friends, no relationship maintains good health without good communication. It is the fear of conflict which leads to unhealthy relationships, not truth, honesty, and clearly defined boundaries.

Reassess where the authority lies in relationships! Take the time and effort to tell those who are hurting you that you are being hurt. Chances are they will honor the opportunity to make it right and continue to be an active part of your life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey Kuhne

Barriers to Joy Series Part 6 - Satan's MO

The sixth barrier to the experience of spiritual, psychological, and/ or physical joy in our lives is the misunderstanding of Satan's modus operandi. As Christian believers, we are prone to blame what goes wrong in our lives as works of the devil or demonic attacks. The Christian needs the spiritual gift of discernment to know whether events in their lives are simply the consequences of their own actions/choices, God's intentional work in their life for their growth, or actual Satanic interventions to hinder their relationship with God. So, I use the term Satan's MO in order to describe that intentional influence of the devil upon the Christian for the sole purpose of hindering their relationship with God.

My past experiences as a Spirit-filled Christian, pastor, and counselor have taught me that much of what I blamed on the devil for the problems in my life was actually my own (created) issues. In counseling, I will refer believers to the idea that Satan and his forces operate with intended efficiency. It is much easier for Satan to tempt us in ways he knows we are weak and then watch us drop like dominos, so that his efforts are well rewarded in us destroying ourselves. In my experience and opinion, I see Satan's modus operandi to be more towards utilizing the areas and circumstances in our lives where all he has to do is tempt a little or push a little and we do the rest of the work. This speaks to the efficiency of Satan: using the minimal effort necessary to achieve the maximum result in hindering/interfering the Christian's relationship with God.

Sometimes, what we think is from the devil may actually be from God and vice versa. God does test and hone us in challenging ways using the circumstances in our lives, both of our own creation and His. But we know that the devil lurks in the bushes waiting to devour and it is wise for the believer to learn and grown in discernment so as to recognize what is of God and what is not.

Misunderstanding Satan's MO leads many believers to continue in unhealthy patterns of living, one of which is always blaming others for their own mistakes, behaviors, and choices. The mature believer is able to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors and repent or seek reconciliation appropriately. It is less valuable to blame anyone and more valuable to know what to do in response. Satan is not afraid of us blaming him in any way. However, Satan does not have authority to command over us in any way, unless that authority is given by the Creator Himself (example Job). Utilizing Scripture and/or knowing how to respond to our life events/circumstances can help take away this particular barrier to joy. It is about knowing how to discern appropriately.

If you need help in the area of discernment in your life, ask God for help. If you need to speak with someone about this in your life, I am sure that the pastors of the church would be more than willing to offer their assistance.

May God continue to provide you the resources you need to break through the barriers that interfere with the experience of Joy in your life!

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey Kuhne